The first step in becoming better at receiving support in the caregiving role is to visit with your neighbor. A fellow caregiver has insights but you must both have a predisposition to share.

This is not the same as preaching. Nor does one person do all the talking while the other person does all the listening. Sometimes the greatest gifts given are shared between friends. Companionship and this familiarity may have been lost when giving care became most critical.

The ITN program Agenda is formatted such that comfort zones are increased and barriers become relaxed.

Point A.

Point B.

How do we get there from here?

Imagine a pie-in-the-sky magic carpet ride, a Super Sonic Transport, a vehicle that morphs into and out of configurations to meet the needs of the passengers.

Whatever shape you desire, there it is!

Point a.

Point A.

How do we start this thing?

Point a.

Point b.

How do we get on board?

...there's always going to be something that makes the first step hard, the first plunge cold, the first effort unproductive. Get over yourself. Get back up and try again. Recognize your miscues and failures are not anything that justifies quitting.

We continue to make good progress and build hope. Here is the body of an email message sent today:

Thank you very much for allowing me to share my story. I am trying to create a system now whereby men will feel support for becoming better caregivers. It may take years but we'll get there quicker if we start now.

If you can please look at www.mlberg.spaces.live.com you will see a collection of "caregiver resources." In reality these are just tools to help with interpretation of feelings.

It may not be next year but the time is coming when society is overwhelmed with the need for better delivery of care. The answer won't be "get more nurses" because there just aren't enough people out there to fill the shortage. Your own in-home services would be jeopardized without adequate paid caregiver staff.

What I want is to have you ask the question WHAT CAN DAN DO TO HELP and then let me be part of finding the answer. Collaboration is not specifically partnering but that is what I'm trying to do. I believe that men want to become better caregivers but they don't feel supported in these roles.

I put together a program model, the ITN (In Their Names) Men's Caregiver Support Group, and posted it online. The ITN concept has received endorsements from a variety of entities. The process it proposes is iterative in nature and open to refinement. Theoretically if your clients came to you and asked for tools to support their caregiving men, what could you offer?

Thank you both for your time.

Dan

A caregiver must have a giving attitude.

When I was a kid I heard the adage "Birds of a feather flock together." If you want to become a better caregiver, start hanging out with other good caregivers. This means old guys - those long of tooth - need to be available to (us) young guys. This means young guys - those newly indoctrinated to caregiving - need to be receptive to the wisdom of (us) old guys.

Caregiving demands a lot. The ITN program combines structure with flexibility and asks you only to abandon entitlement attitudes as we prepare to fly!

How long, Oh Lord
'Till you shower us with mercy

How great, Oh Lord
Is our feasting on your richness

How kind, Oh Lord
When all people live together

How blessed, Oh Lord
We give worship in your name

How strong, Oh Lord
Are the workings when you're with us

How far, Oh Lord
Does your goodness stretch forever

How deep, Oh Lord
Run the tenets of your love

How long, Oh Lord
How long

It is not always our choice for situations to turn sour; sometimes the direction we are headed chooses us.

We do not have much time. Things are (expletive deleted) and life as we knew it could be over in a heartbeat. That is to say the next new normal--better or worse than status quo--can begin at any instant. It may also end just as quickly. So the key element here is control (or lack thereof).

Life is short, hard, and fleeting. With so few absolutes must it be unrewarding too? We can be certain that quitting, giving up, or guarantees of loss may become opportunities to change. Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes we just don't get it. Learn humility. Acknowledge past failures as an impetus to grow and improve.

When all else fails to make sense and you are left wondering "why did this happen" perhaps you can admit there was a better time when your care for others was real and strong. We can not undo the past. We can remember how good life was. We can not always be in command of the present. We can believe things should be better. We can not know what the future holds for the ones we love. We can act now in their names to ensure things will get better for others.

The world is full of heartache and sorrow. We find fulfillment through people--not by adding to the grief but by comforting those less fortunate than ourselves.

If someone is to praise, don't thank me. I'm just the courier.

If this site isn't all you think it should be, find a way to increase traffic and help visitors. Create something better.

If you're blaming others, don't choose caregivers. All care receivers deserve improved care delivery.

If you want to love unconditionally, do it in their names. Shared resources are a gift from God.

What'cha wearing today?

It's not like you can put on the Caregiver's hat and take it off at will.

Genuine concern for others does not have to bring you down.

"You raise me up."

Imagine you are a caregiver. Your time is divided between things you know you should do, things you have to do, and emergencies. Maybe there's no time for the things you want to do. You should get help...but where?

What if you were introduced to another person who is in a position similar to your own? Sure, the specifics are different but finding out life thrust you into a radical curve and enveloped you in a caregiving role is something that we typically don't prepare for. Now what if this other person reached the same conclusion: "You need to get support...but where?"

Is it possible the two of you would consent to meet? Hey you've got to eat sometime. How about meeting for a lunch or dinner break in a neutral not-too-noisy restaurant? Perhaps you could convene for an hour on a Saturday morning at the library or in a breakfast shop. The point is it won't hurt you to take a break and try to share your burdens once in a while. You are the caregiver for a loved one. Do it in their names. But you must be willing to listen.

Assume the contact information was forwarded, emails or phone calls exchanged, date, time, and place arranged, temporary caregiving assignments for the loved ones provided, and the moment has arrived. Could it be your social skills are rusty? Nonexistent even? Not to worry. Be prepared to seek solidarity.

Don't feel pressured or expose too much at once. Do some homework now. Open the ****Quick Start Menu***** and select a category of interest. Read some of the entries. Print one or two that resonate with you and bring these to the meeting. You can relax and enjoy your meal. Then at an appropriate break reflect on the awareness.

Acknowledgment that "we are not alone" can be a good thing. Perhaps you can lean on each other for support a little while in this one instance until a better option can be achieved.




If you know a caregiver who needs support, perhaps he would find comfort in reading this article.

Does your situation clearly represent a less-than-ideal relationship? It is not easy to acknowledge vulnerability.

Do you have the desire to help someone? Again, less-than-ideal relationships may influence willingness to risk. Be open to change.

Will you share your joys and burdens with equal passion? Admitting sensitive realities reunites us with resolve.

Can you believe there is no right or wrong answer to caregiving? We must all try to become better caregivers.

Should you give others the benefit of your experience? Only when we offer freely are we truly free.

May you find peace today and be confident in your valuable purpose. Find someone to love.

If we made the ITN Program more approachable who could object?

Your Poison

1. Name your pain
2. Grow in understanding (of the hardship)
3. Develop an anecdote
   
4. Accept the mission to recover for the sakes of others
5. Do the time (roll up your sleeves and get to work)
6. Take care of yourself
7. Volunteer to serve in your most productive capacity
8. Assume good will

Incorporation of people into your circle of support will be challenging but you can learn to overcome those challenges. When you are placed in the environment of a caregiving situation, you learn on the job. Advocates usually win because failures are defined as falling short on personal goals. Love does not need accomplishments to flourish.

I can only imagine what it must feel like
to be lost and alone.

Where would I be without my Linda?

How should I act and what would I do
if she were not here with us?

Did I do my best?

Most likely I could try to follow the usual path taken by caregivers after the caregiving journey has ended (see Thank you for the clarification.).

But I chose a different course. Instead of waiting for delirium, leaving me wild and restless, I put on my thinking cap. What if I was able to have no regrets, no matter what? Just as Linda immersed herself with positive influences during recovery, I believe the male caregiver should surround himself with viable resources to help him cope with WHATEVER the outcome of his caregiving days (and I apologize to female caregivers by implying males are wired differently).

In essence, we should associate with others who believe men can be caregivers too.

So the Caregiver's Manual for Men was not written from the perspective of what the care receiver wanted to hear but rather from what the caregiver needed to say. No regrets. (to get a copy see ****Resources for caregiver*****)

The ITN Program (****ITN Instructions - Program files*****) isn't a neat place where people can send you during periods of "high maintenance" but it is an opportunity for you to make sense of caregiving. No regrets.

And MLBerg's Caregiver blog may not ring any bells for those who are in the caregiving business but it is a destination where ideas for improved delivery of care can be shared freely. It is the hub where start-up templates can be found. Assuming we make advances, why shouldn't everyone be able to use that progress to maximum advantage?

I wish I could do more but I didn't just do nothing. I tried to do my best and I have no regrets.

My circular saw is not in the best of shapes. In fact my power drill, bench grinder, electric screwdriver, weed eater, and mower have all seen their better days. A difference between these tools is that some can be "jump started" (with a cautious twist) whereas others are just flat dead when they run out of juice.

I've spent a lot of concern (too much?) offering "jump starts" in caregiving for other people, especially guys. Given their propensity to proceed despite obstacles, many are initiated to a new way of launching their crafts, even though it may not specifically meet the manufacturer's recommended guidelines.

It seems turf wars are fought everywhere, not just on lawns but in any arena where funding and profit are to be gained (see ****ITN Future?*****). But guess what? It's not going to cost you to set up your own support group. The ITN Men's Caregiver Support Group Program is offered as a template, intended to help you get started. In return all we ask is that you report what you've learned so we can spread the wealth. "We" is the non-disease-specific online resource MLBerg's Caregiver blog.

How's that for a different spin?